Okay, I’ve just had a quick look at your story Grimm. 3 comments I would make is:
1. Sequel is spelt SEQUEL not SECUAL. It’s a little nitpicky I know but the point of the first chapter is to get your audience hooked. I find spelling errors in fanfic quite off putting and whilst an odd spelling mistake here or there is okay (and I’ve made odd mistakes in fanfic before), if a fanfic is riddled with spelling errors within that first chapter, I generally won’t read beyond the first chapter. Your first chapter seems to be generally free from spelling errors aside from the one already mentioned.
2. In the section entitled The Return to Enchanted Forest and what happened there, you have three rather large paragraphs including one which is basically a wall of text. Make those paragraphs smaller so that they are not so intimidating to the reader. I would say try not to make paragraphs longer than 12 lines of text, 15 at the very most.
3. When a new character speaks, make it a new line/ paragraph. This will also help to keep your paragraphs smaller and more easily readable. For example: The Monkey and Witch conversation. You’ve got both sets of dialogue within the same paragraph and on the same line. This can make it difficult to tell which character is speaking. Split it on to separate lines like this:
“Speak monkey What news do you have?”
“My Queen. There has been talk that the old folk that left during the enactment of the curse have returned.”
I hope you find my comments constructive rather than negative.
All magic comes with a price!
Keeper of Felix