Reply To: Emma + Baelfire = Swanfire

[textbookone]

Guys… I think I need to close this tab.

I have literally had the thread open in a tab in my browser for months upon months. Every time I turn on my computer I just reopen my browser to the last pages I was on and just refresh. It’s incredibly rare for me to find this thread any other way than directly through that tab. The rest of this site holds no interest for me, as this is my home.

But I don’t think I can do this anymore… at least not for awhile.

Maybe it’s all the pretentious premier stuff from the last few days, maybe it’s the stupidly sad fanfic I keep insisting will be finished before the start of the new season, maybe I’m just overwhelmed with school, but I have this giant hole in my heart right now and as much as I dearly love everyone, coming here just hurts too much right now.

I want to be excited with everyone outside of these imaginary internet walls. I made the mistake of opening up the thread during class today and I just felt down the rest of the day. I want to be happy that the season is starting again. I want that same enthusiasm I had a year ago, but it’s gone and instead I’m filled with so much hate and anger and knowing that I feel that way makes all those feelings stronger.

There’s a few GA’s in my class who are super excited for the new season or the show in general (one of them is still just on season 1), and I can’t just let them be happy. I feel compelled to tell them about how crappy the show is now, and how killing Neal was the worst thing imaginable, and I let myself say some of it, but it’s not fair to them. They just want to like their show and here I am trying to steamroller that love because all I feel is anger and sadness and if I can’t enjoy it then no one can. But it’s just a show. It’s just a stupid stupid show. A stupid show that I still can’t let go of, no matter how much I want to.

So I think, for the first time in a long time, I need to close this tab. It probably sound stupid, but I’m here every day, even if I don’t post. It’s a thing I do, but I can’t take all the premier stuff, or all the BS from A&E. So I’m going to go away for awhile. I’ll be back to post my fic, but I can’t check here every day and get more and more sad. Not that anyone will really notice my absence (I could have said nothing and you probably would never have noticed), but I today put me in such a funk that I had to let it out somewhere. Sorry.