[dontstopbelievin]

Ah, no, I actually agree with Marty on this one. By the time she kissed Hook for real, everything that made her special had been stripped away. Because Emma Swan, the Emma Swan we all love(d) from the past couple of years, would not have done that. They had to strip the character down to absolute vanilla storytelling for it to happen.

Anyways, thanks all for the hugs. I will accept them and try my best not to squirm away. My essay wasn’t meant to be sad, really, but rather ironically hopeful… *I* do not have showrunners dictating how my walls go, it’s just me, and I can make a better choice. I have tried, already, to be present in moments and genuine with people instead of hiding behind walls, it’s only been a day or so but it’s a conscious effort so I will take it 🙂

Finally backread in the thread; first and foremost, Corbin, I am so so sorry for what’s been going on in your home life. I am glad that you’ve found a home and comfort here. I sincerely hope this thread can live on; for those that want to remember SF and for those who want to keep watching Once and process it from the SF perspective.

Here’s the thing, for me, about continuing to watch the show – what makes it so compelling and so dangerous all at the same time. I don’t doubt that they will sprinkle SF things in – something about the storytelling of the last few episodes to me just reeks of “we had to divert course, but we REALLY want to still tell this story, so we’re going to tell it in the background while distracting everyone with this BIG SHINY THING OVER HERE CALLED CS!!” I might be insane, but honestly, the things we picked up on weren’t totally crazy. It’s funny, roomie STILL has this faith that SF is endgame, and I think she’s totally nuts (hi, pot? kettle) but she seems to think that if A&E wanted to tell the SF story, they’ll make sure it gets told, even if it’s just bringing Neal back at the very end of the finale-finale. She might have a valid point; I have no question that this was network interference. I also find it particularly telling that this show really started its hard left with 314. 312 & 313 still seemed to be on track, but 314 just went absolutely nutso – it began with a nightmare and had a horror movie feel to it. And Charming’s nightmare just has soooo much packed into it, but the kicker for me is that mobile – that mobile that featured so prominently in the early days of the show, as a latent prop that we would later find to be important. It spins, wildly, with its dreamcatcher top and its unicorn pendants swinging out as do the chairs on a carnival swing ride.

I guess it’s the optimist in me that won’t die, but I don’t think A&E are unaware of what happened in 3B. Whether they were required to go CS, or whether they opted to sell out, this half of the season truly was a walking nightmare. Everything that there was to LOVE about this show was systematically dismantled, from the death of the Reason and the truncation of the Lost Children story to the OOC of Rumple, the blatant fan pandering (you can’t tell me Hook’s insincere apology to Belle was intended as anything other than, ‘Here, you asked for it, you got it,’) and almost mostly of all the literal retcon of their own story. Seriously? You want to go back to the start of your Truest Love story, on a show about True Love, and *change* it?! They can talk a good talk in the press, but there was no accident that we all felt the turn in a sequence that was literally a nightmare.

So Phee’s theory about watching with SF as endgame isn’t necessarily insane. I know it’s what roomie has said she’d do. For me, the idea of them not having Emma end up with her TL is about as crazy as if Rachel had ended up with Joey instead of Ross. It’s just *wrong,* wrong from the fabric of the show. I suspect they’ll putz around with CS for a while, but without any real heart in the writing the story will fall flat. As long as they know the final will be the final (and not have the show cancelled when they are writing towards renewal,) I think there’s a shot there of redemption for us as SF fans. It doesn’t help, though, that what I’d really like to see here is the journey. But I guess that’s what fanfic is for, right? :/

BTW, Phee, sorry about your encounter with a pirate. Sounds no fun, and I hope he gets the message quite quickly. (Also? Thanks for posting that fic drabble. There need to be about sixty-five more of them written!)

And lastly, Text’s post about twenty pages back regarding what she saw in SF – yeah, that. Brilliant. I adore it, and totally get it. That’s where I become shippy… they were wonderful, beautiful, simple and REAL. I don’t need a prince, I just need a guy who gets me and lets me be me.

[dontstopbelievin]

Hey guys 🙂

Sorry I ran off and disappeared for days. I’m not really back; I told myself I was not allowed to SadFan again until Friday night (although that resolve is just about faded) and I haven’t read the thread in days but I wanted to share some thoughts and introspection a) because I need to get it out and b) in case it helps anyone else, who is maybe stuck where I have been. I have had the most ridiculously emotional several days, like, incongruently emotional, and it took me forever to unpack what on earth is wrong with me. This post is less about the show (though that’s in there some) and more about me, so you are welcome skip if you have issue with the semi-off-topic wander. For those who care, this is called, “How DSB had a near-mental breakdown,” or, maybe it was an actual mental breakdown… but I’ve never had one before, so how should I know? 😉

I gave myself Monday to Sad Fan. I have some ability to set my schedule to some degree, and figured whatever way 322 went, I would probably need some extra time for fanning, so I went ahead and set Monday aside for that. Not sure that was actually the best plan, it pretty much meant I was alone with my sadness and thoughts for a lot of hours with nothing to do, and it did not go well. I mean, I had figured that the only potential thing that was worse than DO322 would be FAO322, but I did not account for the possibility that we would have “twist the knife” 322, which IMO is exactly what we had. That said, my reaction was really (really) out of line with disappointment – or even the false hope that was presented – on a TV show. No matter how much I’ve enjoyed fanning it with y’all, it’s just a TV show, right? And then I realized that more than just my ship and my show, it meant that I was losing this whole new group of friends I’ve made, and that was part of the SadFanning. But it wasn’t all of it, because I am telling you, no SadFanning should affect your life like mine did, seriously, it should not. And no matter how many times I said, “Self, you are being RIDICULOUS, get the frick over yourself and move along with life,” it was not fixing the situation. It probably made it worse, because I just felt ridiculous and stupid and like I needed professional help. Like, check yourself into the psych ward because you are inappropriately grieving a TV show help. I just had the most awful gnawing in the pit of my stomach and I could not get it to go away, no matter what I did… it was really horrible and I never, never want to feel like that again.

Finally, I had to give myself permission to accept that regardless of WHY I was sad, I was sad, and feelings are valid… because honestly, fiction doesn’t make one feel that way. I knew that there obviously was something deeper going on – I just could not get past the last fifteen minutes of the show. My sad little brain kept going, over and over, “She wished him dead, then she played a part in making him dead, then she consciously KEPT him dead… and then she ignored the broken heart of the kid who is supposed to be the center of her world to go make out with a pirate. WTFFFFFFFFFF??” And yeah, all of the feelings of “This story was endgame, it’s been there since the beginning” and “It’s not fair!” and feelings of betrayal by the writers and loss of the story and the character were there, but at the end of the day, the above is, I think, what I kept getting hung up on, what I just could not get past. The progression from wishing him dead, to then playing a material part in making him dead, and ultimately making a conscious decision to leaving him dead… how could she DO that?!

And then, at some point… I figured it out. I think, subconsciously, I had identified with Emma more than I ever really realized. I have walls – I am not sure I realized until two days ago the degree to which I have walls. I am writing this out and will be handing it over to my roommates (who are also my best friends!) and it’s kind of terrifying to me, but acknowledging this means sharing this and letting them in. I mean I always knew that there were a few things that I was like, “Eh, that’s best just kept in here where no one can see it,” but it wasn’t until I realized the degree of my insanity that I realized the degree of my walls. I hardly let anyone in – my besties get closer than anyone, but honestly, I’m a quirky girl and it’s easiest just to hide that. The only two people who know about my “fanning” on here – which has been a big piece of my life for the last two months! – are my roommates, and really, that’s only because they live with me. I went on a date the other day (I don’t date much,) and the guy asked what I did in my spare time and I was like, “Ummmm,” because obviously, “I fan!” was not on the table as an appropriate thing to say. So it was all, walls up, “Um, I like to travel,” and the half answer of, “I hang out and watch TV with my roommates,” which is true if you eliminate the fanning portion of it, and whatever other lameness came to mind. It’s a wonder I’m still single, hey? Y’all probably know me better than many people in my real life, and I guess it’s because for whatever reason it’s easier to drop those walls for people who you know “get it,” and don’t think you’re insane for finding emotional relevance in a TV show.

So I keep everyone in my life at arm’s distance; so much of what I do and what really makes me tick is unknown to people. I don’t know what caused it… at some point in the past I think I just had one too many people pick on me for being me and it became easier to hide it. Don’t engage, don’t explain, just smile and be surface and go home. It’s ironic, because one of the things I try to do is acknowledge people, look them in the eye, use their name, consider them important – but as for me, I would just as soon blend into the crowd and go home and curl up in my room where nobody can judge me. I don’t like to be touched – my friends know better than to hug me – because it’s too feel-y and I can’t handle feeling. If you don’t feel, then nobody gets too close than nobody can hurt you, you know? And even the few people that I would consider myself close to (*waves hi to roomies*) there is still that wedge, that protective emotional distance that needs to be left. I am fairly even-keel, little gets me to cry, I just don’t go there. I’ve had relatives die, I cry a bit at the funeral and then it’s time to shut it down – there’s nothing left to be done, it’s over, so pull up your boot straps, stuff down your feelings and move along with life. It takes a LOT for me to break down – seriously, when I couldn’t stop crying over 315 I realized that I was really shedding pent up tears over something that happened nearly a decade ago. Nine years it took me to cry!!! It was kind of insane and ridiculous, and until I identified that, I couldn’t “get over it.”

So I am realizing now, that without having any idea I was doing it, I strongly identified with Emma. As I’ve ruminated, I realize the common thread amongst my favorite moments of hers are that they are the few where she shows emotion – in the bathroom after Henry arrives, the phone call to her mom during Manhattan, Echo Cave. Lo and behold, there is something that can break through those walls! I think my walls and hers manifest themselves differently; we’ve talked before about how she masked feelings in the ten years between giving up Henry and arriving in SB with inappropriate relationships and a bunch of one-night-stands… conversely, I just don’t date. Either way, no one is let in. You can’t get hurt if there’s no one there to hurt you. There was one guy, a number of years ago, that maybe could have been something and I ran from that, just… stopped answering. Never told anyone that until now. I run a lot; my life is always on the go and if I keep busy enough I don’t have to think about what I *don’t* have. More addresses than I can count? Yep. If the current situation isn’t working, just pick it up and move on. If someone hurts you, don’t work through it, just cut it off and you don’t have to deal with the hurt or the hard stuff. I have gotten better at that, mostly because I’ve had people (hi roomies!) who haven’t allowed me to shut it down and run away, but I still don’t do it well.

So I think that’s part of the appeal in this story; obviously I enjoy the overall poetry of it (as we have discussed ad nauseum) but then there’s the thing where the girl with the walls found this guy who could get underneath them. I’ve always figured someday I’d find a guy who somehow managed to worm his way in; he’d just get it and it would just work. The older I get, the more I question that this mystery guy exists – and perhaps that’s what it is about this story that struck such a chord in me. Here was this guy who got the walls, totally understood and respected them, and was willing to just be there until she was ready to let them down. Realizing now that Echo Cave was my FAVORITE because there was this guy who was willing to listen to her, walls still up but honest, admit that it was easier to have him gone from her life forever than to have to deal with the hurt – and then hug her afterwards – and STILL promise to be there. It’s the hope that that exists. Oh hey, here we go with the hope 😉

So the eternal optimism after 315… when everyone kept praising and I just kept insisting I was insane? No, seriously, just insane. It’s just another wall, another defense mechanism, because if you can wriggle out from the bad event then you don’t have to acknowledge it, you don’t have to deal with the hurt, it just didn’t happen, it was just a misunderstanding. “Believe the best” really means “can’t deal with believing the worst,” because when I do, that means I’ve gotta go again because I can’t deal with going through the “ow,” and I just am sick of running away and losing the things I love for the sake of avoiding the things that are hurtful. So maybe it’s not as it appears, and I don’t have to deal with the ow, and I don’t have to go. But when we hit 322? Well, it’s pretty impossible to pretend that what’s clearly happening isn’t happening; it’s the end of the road and it’s done. And that hurt, yeah, but something else was there that hurt like h*ll and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Lack of MO322 was like, “Well, that sucks,” but it was the awful pain of “She left him dead!” that is what I just could not get over.

As I realized, then, that in my brain I was identifying as Emma as a placeholder for girls who have emotional walls (aka, me,) it explained it. In 322, her decision at the portal was wholly self-centered. We started with the reminder of “what could have been” at the swings, which made it all worse as it ended with her ensuring he stayed dead. That decision wasn’t out of consideration for Rumple, or for Neal – because obviously “not dead” is the better option for both of them. And it sure wasn’t out of consideration for Henry, who deserves to know and grow up with his Dad. (Come to think of it, did she mention him at all in the EF? Contrast with Regina, who in both 318 and 320 made the point that if Snow didn’t exist, neither would Henry.) And generally I get that it was her journey, throughout the episode, but in that moment, at the portal, her selfish decision to make sure he stayed dead was just horrifying to me. I could not get over that apparently she really meant what she said in Echo Cave – she really would rather have him dead. It just broke my heart. In my mind, she essentially ensured the loss of the man that she loved, at the expense of his option for a happy ending, at the expense of her child having a father, just because she could not deal with feelings. She was willing to trade the happiness of the two people she purportedly loved more than anything for those walls. And that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach boiled down to, “If Emma’s walls could make it so easy for her to hurt those she loves more than anything, then what of me? Are those decisions I am capable of making out of self-protective measures?” It is an utterly horrifying realization to have about one’s self. Just absolutely gutting.

Once I had that realization, then and only then was I able to move past it – to separate out MY issues from the TV show. For certain, the show itself still makes me sad… but mildly SadFan sad, not “I’m going to have a mental breakdown” sad. My issues can be dealt with, for certain – even just realizing I had them. I had to go to my parents’ last night… in the middle of dealing with realizing all of this about myself it was the LAST place I wanted to go. I am not terribly close with my family – again no reason, probably just walls of habit, who knows? – and the guilt was enough to eat me alive. In paralleling myself with Emma, I grew up with a functional family, what on earth excuse do I have to be so broken? I almost called and cancelled the trip, but thankfully it was for an event that could not be moved or rescheduled so I went. Nothing profound happened, but just forcing myself to be there and present and in the moment – and requiring myself to be dis-armed, put your walls DOWN! – was a big step. My roommates will read this today (they’ve both already heard bits) and they’ll hold me accountable. I’ll hold myself accountable for those walls, or at least try to, because here’s the thing. I *don’t* want to be Emma. I don’t want to allow those around me to be hurt and damaged because I have these walls… they’re designed to protect but really they just cause more hurt. And yep, it means a crap ton of work to be done and if I am being honest, I don’t really want to do it, but I’ve gotta. The other option just can’t be the way it goes. The likelihood that I’ll ever have the option to not retrieve the love of my life from the past may be pretty minimal but the likelihood that I’d choose hiding over walking through pain in order to ultimately find happiness is not so farfetched, you know? And so yeah, maybe it’s crazy to assign emotional relevance to a TV show. But it’s funny, how it makes me reflect on that Mary Margaret quote – fairy tales are a way to make us deal with a world that doesn’t always make sense. And to give us hope. The irony of this all is, that’s exactly what this has done, the last few days of awful emotionalness. Everything that was hurtful, to me, about that episode – realizing being so guarded could be so dangerous for others – doesn’t have to be that way. I can make decisions to make it different.

And maybe that realization will allow me to stay here, at least, with all of you. I still don’t know about the show. Realizing the sequence of events at the end of 322 are a product of Emma’s walls make them easier to handle… leaving Bae dead so she doesn’t have to deal with those feelings, then choosing to go to Hook – instead of comforting Henry as they both deal with the baby’s name – and do a 180 on that situation… at least it makes sense to me now. It didn’t before. I feel a little less betrayed by the character, at least, when I can make it make sense to me. But I think I can hang out and discuss it and read posts without descending into awful SadFan land and that is amazing. Because losing this fandom was gutting me almost as much as the rest of it, for a girl who doesn’t attach to people easily, I sure am attached to all of you. 🙂 Don’t know how you got around my walls but you did…

I wish I knew how they were going to go with S4. My cynical side says, “It’s going to be Frozen fan pandering and CS town and I don’t need the negative feels in my life.” But then I think about that line, from Let It Go – “Conceal, don’t feel,” and ask myself – is that intentional? Is that the story they hope to tell about Emma; she’s found her home but she still has her walls up, sky high. She ran from the guy who loved her, and her kid, into the arms of a guy who is not a good choice; she knows this guy is a poor choice but is safe because she fully EXPECTS that he’ll hurt her. She won’t be blindsided like she was all of those years ago, because if you expect the hurt, or nothing more than a good time, it doesn’t surprise you when that’s what happens. And as they bring in Elsa, whose story is built around hiding your feelings and what happens when they get out, perhaps they’re going to parallel it. Part of me is interested to see that; tell me, what happens to those of us with giant walls and how do we learn to drop them? Most of me is still left reeling from the mess that was 3B, and the realization that apparently this show hits too close from home and renders me fragile, because I really can’t handle it “telling me” that walls mean you throw away an amazing love story and therefore all you deserve is a piratey pirate. But yet there is that stupid cautious optimism, so we will see where I am in September, and where they seem to be taking the tale. Because cautious optimism says, for this to be a true tale of hope, we need to see Emma learn that she has far more to gain from dropping her walls and figuring out how to fix the mess – and then, because we live in magicland, having the courage to step through the pain to revive her happy ending, through whatever magical plot hole they feel like using that week. But dangerous realist says, if you allow this show to dictate to you, again, how people with walls screw up and drive everyone away – or to convince you that the pirate is the truest love you’ll ever know – you’re going to end up in the psych ward for real. And frankly, DSB doesn’t want to end up in the psych ward, so until I learn not to assign inappropriate emotional relevance to a TV show, perhaps I should stay away. We will see.

Ultimately, I know that’s not a decision that has to be made today… yay for hiatus. What I DO know as of today is that I seem to be on the back side of my mental breakdown, and if nothing else, I have learned things about myself. Now that the awfulness is done, the hard work begins, of seeing when I am throwing up walls and forcing myself to make a better choice. For today, knowing that I have them is going to do just fine, and it’s enough to get me out of SadFanLand.

Back tomorrow, for real. One more day to make sure I am sane enough to handle sad fanning. 🙂

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

Just have to say I love you guys. Luna, I totally get you – I am up, again, in the middle of the night and it’s really starting to get old. I realized yesterday I am going to have to walk away from this fanning for a while; I adore it so much but my day yesterday was seriously unhealthy. I have myself a single day for “sad fanning” and it was just too much. I wish I could break down why this affects me so – I think then I could snap out of this and move forward. But instead it’s 2AM and I’m awake, again, with a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach, tossing and turning. There is no resolution, there will be no resolution or explanation for what happened and that makes it so much harder to let it go.

Read a conversation on my FB yesterday and I really wish I hadn’t. It made it crystal-clear how GA views story; accept what the show tells you in the moment instead of using your brain to recall the previous episode. It’s how we have half of the crap we have, no one cares enough to call them out on it.

So if I disappear for a while, know that I have not abandoned ship or gone insane but rather run into the real world for perspective. Cause I can’t fix this, and that’s contrary to my personality… so I gotta walk for a while. No worries, I’ll be back eventually, but I think a few days off will do me some good. We’ll see if my resolve can hold – I tried last night and made it mere hours. This thread is like an addiction 😉

Love to all!

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

Thanks, RG. Me too :/

Millie – I had a beta, although I revised again after she read it. Not sure I’m ready for ff.net, though I have considered it. Thanks!

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

Look at their sweet tiny selves. Now all of my insides hurt again. 🙁

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

I wrote this fic a couple of weeks ago; it needed some revision so I am just now posting it. It’s a strange little story that just kind of wrote itself, went a few places I didn’t intend, but ultimately, it’s a quick “fix it.” It’s intended to be a standalone, I think.

Feedback would be welcomed – I have a longer story I need to write (a plot-driven fix-it and a collection of conversations we should have seen,) so I’d love to hear what needs improvement. You can message me or stick it in the thread, whatever.

ETA: It won’t let me upload it, so hang on, let me figure out how to get it posted.

ETA2: Tried the upload again. Let me know if it doesn’t work.

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Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

I was wondering what on earth was going on with the gloves. Glad to see it cleared up 🙂

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

Hey Text, I sent you a message. Mine don’t always pop up so I thought I’d let you know 🙂

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

Nope. I just had to explain to Other Roomie (whom thus far didn’t understand the extent of my ‘fanning’ nor my specific shipping, when I started, etc) that I have spent my entire darned day sad fanning. She told me she would be sad if something in her RL didn’t happen, I told her she could cry with me, only hers would be way more justified because it was actually real.

She may be GA, but she is still upset by the situation today. Not cry-and-disrupt-life upset 😉 but stand-on-the-steps-and-have-a-five-minute-vent upset. She thought MRJ wanted out to do other projects; I told her nope. I said either it was writers on crack or an ABC mandate; she voted for the former and when I explained about ABC’s Hook-obsession (“Can we get some Hook in this scene?”) she was utterly appalled. She was just astonished that they have effectively trashed the entire arc of the show in order to serve this one character’s hotness.

Bestie-roomie just arrived at my room to vent about shipping things, I should probably sign off and deal with that, lol.

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[dontstopbelievin]

Not a peep, Jaxer.

Guessing that’s there as one of the ten THOUSAND things to say, “Yep, SF are TL, we just can’t *say* it because ABC wants this going in a different direction.”

Cause this story needs some mending & a better happy ending...

[Author]

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